Tuesday, September 20, 2016

"I Just Need Somebody to Lean On"

This is a follow-up to "Time for Transfers". I'm delving into my mind and heart for a moment.

I need closure, which is an elusive thing. My feelings towards Joseph have threatened me with insanity. My repeated failures to address those feelings in the most appropriate of ways (befriending him and finding others like him) has only fueled that fire of chaos. Even the best of the guys I have interacted with on the two gay-dating apps and the website that I tried either a) lived very far away (7%), or b) still had tainted desires (93%). The last of those conversations was with a guy I had actually known in person (NOT in the Biblical sense, mind you.). I thought that might lay the groundwork for a friendship, but when I bluntly refused to send pictures of any "bulges" that belonged to me (nor anything more revealing), he got mad at me and accused me of being manipulative.

Needless to say, those have all been deleted.

I do have to give them some credit though--I had some really deep conversations with those guys, even if they were all short-lived.

That's more than I can say about most of the Latter-day Saints I have reached out to.

But I will also say that my fellow faithful Mormon friends have never wanted me to take my pants off.

Earlier today, I also scheduled to have my Facebook account deleted (because heaven forbid that I should do it in an instant). It has proven to get me absolutely nowhere in my efforts to connect with others in meaningful ways, and as the amount of uplifting, informative content has become harder and harder to come by (actually managing to fuel my feelings of depression rather than suppressing them), I realized I was right in the first place that my life was truly better without social media. My only tie is the page for my business, which my dear mother has consented to allow me to manage through her account.

I had considered posting an explanation as to my leave, as I had thought to do with my ward.

But there definitely wouldn't be anyone who would care. I'm tired of exposing my raw feelings to the Levite priests who keep walking right on past me.

So I've left the apps. Facebook will be a thing of the past. Any semblance of a community I had with my last ward is surely being left behind.

What am I left with?

Why is it so difficult to find friends you can mutually depend on? Why is it so taboo to have people you can share your deepest longings with? Why is platonic friendship with other men almost equally frowned upon by both the liberal and the conservative sides of our society? Why can't we all just decide to take a page out of the women's' book and just set aside some guy time for ourselves every once in a while? Why do us guys have to look over our shoulders and worry about other people thinking we're gay just because we're with another guy in public?

Why can't other gay guys simply respect someone like me for wanting to stay true to my values while also being a friend to them? Why can't they have enough self-control of their reproductive organs to be around someone like me for two hours while they can do whatever they please for the other 166 hours of the week? Why do they act like I am a threat to their very existence just because I don't follow every single lust and craving my body has?

What went wrong with our society?

I've decided, in the rare chance that I ever hear from him again, that I will tell Joseph of my feelings for him, and give him an out if he wants it. I have serious doubts if our friendship can survive that. Then again, I am beginning to wonder if "friendship" is the right word. I can't handle the inconsistency. If he wants to keep his distance, he should. If my first impressions of his virtue are correct, then he should be able to handle it, and the space caused by my transfer of wards shouldn't be a problem. By removing the possibility of casually bumping into him on a regular basis, I am giving him the freedom to make a decision unaffected by the potential awkwardness that would ensue if I was around still. Also, such an explanation would offer clarity to my actions, while allowing me to explain that, notwithstanding my very intense feelings toward him, I have been able to put them aside enough as not to be blinded, and that my intentions are pure. I truly love him. I care about him and want him to be happy, and I can say that as a friend, without ulterior motives.

But what am I saying? Is there really that much of a chance that I'll even hear from him?

Maybe not. But the hopeful side of me is obviously a glutton for punishment.

I really want to move on, either way.

Now would be a good time to break the fourth wall.

Yes, I'm speaking to you, on the other side of the screen. You know well by now what I look for as I reach out to others. I want a friendship that has more meaning then accepting a request on a social media site. I don't mind having good, honest fun, but I also want to talk about life and the things that really matter, to me and to you. I am in search of the profound in a sea of shallowness, looking, ever looking for the kind of persons whose company is a respite to my painful loneliness. I will not judge you, no matter what your life may look like. I simply ask that I may receive the same courtesy.

Reach out to my reaching. Who knows, we might just live closer to each other than you think.

Send me an e-mail.

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