I've had some thoughts in my mind for quite a while that I have wanted to share for quite some time. I am a ponderer, and love to give myself to in-depth analyses of various topics. Very seldom, however, do I have the opportunity or the appropriate platform in which to share my perspectives.
Until now, that is.
As I have progressed in my comprehension of the meaning and implications of same-sex attraction, especially in regards to discipleship and the Gospel, there has been an ongoing conversation within my head. Whereas there are many positive stories of those who manage to find harmony between their convictions in the restored Church and their differing sexual orientation, they are so often drowned out by the masses who have had less-than-savory experiences as they have come to terms with inherent personal traits: celebrities who use their musical talents to degrade the Church and show disdain for the covenants they have made; those who have made public demonstrations of their disapproval of Church policy, and their consequent dissolution from the Church; members turned atheist, who believe that all religion is a hoax, designed to make its participants miserable.
Then there are the many who silently struggle somewhere in the gray medium of the spectrum.
It is this last group I hope to address. Although I in no way represent an authority figure--I am a twenty-something guy who hasn't even acknowledged the nature of his own attractions for a full year now. However, I think there is some worth in what I have to say.
To the other gay Latter-day Saints out there, I want to say this:
We need you.
In a society that has embraced the scandal of the many who have left their faith and their covenants to find a boyfriend, we have forgotten what it is like to hear of the faithful, who have found the intersection of the Gospel and unusual sexual desires. Perhaps I should rephrase that: we don't know what it's like to hear of those who have chosen the harder right of the two diverging paths.
What can it do for the member sitting next to you in Sacrament meeting, the one whose personal vicissitudes have caused him or her to doubt, to hear that you, subject to one of the most divisive and universally misunderstood experiences of our day, remain true to the faith because you know that the grass truly is greener on this side of the fence?
Really, if we were to compare the beauty of the landscapes of the Gospel as opposed to those of the great and spacious building, we stand on a lawn of grass that is evergreen, whose vividness never fades with the time or season. When measured against the feigned splendor of the green turf of the world, whose attractiveness relies on the warehouses of spray paint at their disposal, with the vapor of smoke and fabricated illusions, there truly is no equal. The immense joy of the fruit of the tree of life, which is whiter and more pure to exceed that of all whiteness and purity, is contrasted with the fruit of worldly indulgence, which has all the savor of the plastic apples in your grandmother's front room.
But how can our fellow brothers and sisters in the Gospel understand that if we reserve for ourselves the nature of our condition? How can they comprehend the depth of our conversion that allows us to forsake lasciviousness if we walk away from the rock that is Christ?
I promise you that there is nothing so sweet as the fullness of the Gospel. You are more than welcome to eat your fill of the sand that comes in so many exotic flavors and brilliant packaging, but I already have a feast before me, the garb of a welcome guest, and the invitation of the Bridegroom.
Additionally, there are few things more satisfying than to be the means of dispelling darkness, misunderstanding, and ignorance. How many are there who cannot love their (insert the word "gay" or any of its synonyms here) neighbors because they lack the understanding sufficient to walk a mile in our shoes? Can they be numbered? Can they grasp the depth of our love toward the Savior and our fellow men? Have we given them the opportunity to see us as living, breathing examples of the law of consecration in action as we lay all of our desires, passions, and appetites, especially the sexual ones, upon the altar of God? Do they understand that we do these things, not so we can be relieved of our inconvenient sexual orientation, or be worthy of God's love in spite of inclinations that some deviants regard as an abomination, but so we can prove our love and our loyalty toward the Lord?
Perhaps there is a man or a woman out there with warring desires concerning coffee or tobacco, a little vice they can't seem to kick. Maybe they simply need to hear what you are actively sacrificing, denying a very real part of you that may very well be with you forever, in this life and the next, in some form or the other, before they can muster the willpower to commit to the higher law.
The Lord in His wisdom would not expose any of His children--and especially His disciples--to desires like that of same-sex attraction, were there not some purpose to be filled, some rare, unique opportunity to minister to those around us.
We are in the Church to minister to those who silently suffer with misunderstanding and conflicting emotions.
We are in the Church to be a light of hope to those in the darkness of despair, questioning, perhaps, if there is a place in the restored Gospel for them, wondering if they can ever hope to have love and companionship in the most consecrated of forms.
We are in the Church to soften the hearts of those who have listened to the misconceptions of the world and have been deceived. "All homosexuals are abominations before the Lord and must be treated as such", they might think, or "if you're gay, you leave the Church and find yourself a boyfriend. That's all there is to it", or any other variation or reflection of the world's diverse foolish doctrines.
The body of the Church needs to hear our experiences--the good ones, the uncomfortable ones, the painful ones. They need to hear our testimonies. They need to see us magnify our callings and serving others. They need to witness what consecration entails, even in the face of the inconvenient, the "impossible".
We are a light upon a hill.
Shine brightly.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Joseph: The Month of August
Ugh!! I am typically not an outwardly emotional person. It's driving me up the wall being bonkers over a guy like I am.
I can't tell you how much it would mean to me to have someone I could talk with openly about this. I have made it a bit of a quest to find such people, but unfortunately with zero success.
In a number of ways, I consider Joseph my best friend. He may not necessarily reciprocate that sentiment, but that's his prerogative. I am quite certain that if he was aware of the extent to which I am stricken for him, he would give me a wide breadth. I never intend to divulge that to him by the looks of things, but at one point, I do want him to understand the basic gist of my feelings, and that, notwithstanding those, I see him as a friend toward whom I have no ulterior motives (even though the irrational side of my heart longs so to harbor dark, underlying feelings), and that I intend to be the most loyal of friends for only the noblest of reasons.
But he can be elusive. I wonder at the moment I write this if he is struggling with a few of the intimate things he has willingly confided in me. Or perhaps in something deeper still.
Just a few weeks ago, I was in a really dark place, frustrated with the roadblocks I seemed to constantly run into. My pursuit of increased physical prowess always appeared to be followed by an unreasonable, disproportionate lingering soreness. The usual handicap I experience to hinder my career's progress went on, unfettered--business as usual, really. I couldn't for the life of me find someone to 練習する with (that's "practice", by the way). And all of my efforts to expand my social circle seemed in vain, at least in the temporal scheme. I reached out to a few people in an effort to stifle the overwhelming loneliness I was feeling at the time. I sent Joseph a simple text, just to see how he was faring, and ideally to hang out with him sometime. I looked at my phone all day, hoping to see a reply from him. It never came.
And you know what? I was really annoyed with him.
I have to constantly temper the obsessive feelings I have toward him with the obnoxious reminder to give him space and let him reach out to me, and let him show how much he values our friendship. The following Sunday came. A very embarrassing and uncomfortable Elders' Quorum taught by a sibling of mine (that's a story for another day) comes and passes. No Joseph. I catch a glimpse of him around the corner of the hallway. But I don't approach him. I'm assigned to a special home teaching class this one particular Sunday. Therefore, no Joseph in Sunday School. He ends up on the other side of the chapel during Sacrament meeting. I'm really quite irritated, uncharacteristically so, throughout the meeting. I let a bit of it display in my body language as I sit alone in one of the center pews. I stall for a moment or two after the meeting is through, and then finally go home when my frustration gets the better of me.
This is very unusual behavior for me. His failure to text me shouldn't come as a surprise to me. He doesn't seem to have much of an affinity for texting, as the sparce conversations we had when he was out of town for school would show.
Perhaps this is what a woman feels like, experiencing all the joys of the menstrual cycle. :-)
He showed up at our ward family home evening this time a week ago (the following day). I gave him distance. I'm glad I didn't get up and leave in irrational frustration the instant I saw him leave, though I was tempted to. Apparently he went to grab a Frisbee to play a few rounds of Ultimate, which is a favorite of mine. I treated him autonomously, just as I did all the other players, until the darkness stopped us. I definitely saw my prayers answered as a number of members expressed generally the desire to get together to do various things throughout the week. Joseph was one of them, wanting to organize a group to play Ultimate Frisbee that Thursday.
He approached me just after I said a general goodbye to everyone.
"Hey Aaron--I feel like it's been a while since we've talked."
Yep. He vaguely mentioned he had been busy.
"Are you coming to play Frisbee on Thursday?"
Do you really think by now I would say "no" even to playing a game of dolls with him?
Thursday was a blast. I caught a handful of important scoring throws. I teased him for nearly making me blush, given some of the praise he gave me for my work. Before the arranged carpool the next night to a local Institute activity, I texted him to see if he was planning on going. Turns out he wasn't--"I have some personal matters to attend to", he said. I could only speculate as to his meaning, but I renewed my invitation that he was more than welcome to come to me if he needed to get anything off of his chest.
This past Sunday: it's quite clear that he hasn't quite adjusted to our new schedule, as he is always late/absent for Elders' Quorum. Sunday School passes.
And then there was that moment before Sacrament meeting.
The halls were thronged. It was the missionary farewell of a member who also happened to be a recent convert, baptized in our humble young single adult ward. I was quite distracted between that and my waiting for the other ward to vacate the chapel to allow me to attend to my calling. Joseph approached me, in spite of the crowd. We chatted for a moment as I explained the circumstances behind the throng of visitors, and excused myself to attend to my calling.
It was his eyes. I had this overwhelming impression that still haunts me now that there were things that he wanted to say to me that he wasn't expressing. I spent the rest of the day with this internal struggle. I even prayed, expressing to the Lord that I was both eager and yet extremely hesitant to act on the impression to text Joseph and give him a chance to speak his mind if I indeed wasn't imagining things, unsure of whether this was a spiritual prompting or the product of my own frenzied mind.
As I reflected afterward, two impressions came to mind. One was to give him the opportunity to contact me himself, and if nothing else, I could voice my impression to him the following night at family home evening. The next impression was this: "Joseph does not need your distance."
Whoa. Talk about cryptic.
What could make this more interesting? Guess who was nowhere to be seen last night?
So I'm left feeling half-baked. Am I imagining things? Or is this the gift of discernment that I am absolutely certain that I have? There are certainly a number of dynamics in our relationship that I'm not even privy to, or so my gut instinct goes. Assuming that was a spiritual impression I had at Church; what is it that Joseph is leaving unspoken? Something more private than the personal challenges he has already confided in me? Is he uncomfortable with the newfound understanding that I experience same-sex attraction? Does he suspect that I am much more attracted and drawn to him than I let on? Does he see that as a threat to our friendship? These are the things that I suspect the most. But then again, what if it's something else entirely? What if he is much more intimately aware of my sort of human experience than he leads those around him to believe? What if there is indeed a reason why I have felt my gaydar triggered numerous times by him?
Crazed passion and unanswered questions seem to be the breeding ground for insanity. o_O
I can't tell you how much it would mean to me to have someone I could talk with openly about this. I have made it a bit of a quest to find such people, but unfortunately with zero success.
In a number of ways, I consider Joseph my best friend. He may not necessarily reciprocate that sentiment, but that's his prerogative. I am quite certain that if he was aware of the extent to which I am stricken for him, he would give me a wide breadth. I never intend to divulge that to him by the looks of things, but at one point, I do want him to understand the basic gist of my feelings, and that, notwithstanding those, I see him as a friend toward whom I have no ulterior motives (even though the irrational side of my heart longs so to harbor dark, underlying feelings), and that I intend to be the most loyal of friends for only the noblest of reasons.
But he can be elusive. I wonder at the moment I write this if he is struggling with a few of the intimate things he has willingly confided in me. Or perhaps in something deeper still.
Just a few weeks ago, I was in a really dark place, frustrated with the roadblocks I seemed to constantly run into. My pursuit of increased physical prowess always appeared to be followed by an unreasonable, disproportionate lingering soreness. The usual handicap I experience to hinder my career's progress went on, unfettered--business as usual, really. I couldn't for the life of me find someone to 練習する with (that's "practice", by the way). And all of my efforts to expand my social circle seemed in vain, at least in the temporal scheme. I reached out to a few people in an effort to stifle the overwhelming loneliness I was feeling at the time. I sent Joseph a simple text, just to see how he was faring, and ideally to hang out with him sometime. I looked at my phone all day, hoping to see a reply from him. It never came.
And you know what? I was really annoyed with him.
I have to constantly temper the obsessive feelings I have toward him with the obnoxious reminder to give him space and let him reach out to me, and let him show how much he values our friendship. The following Sunday came. A very embarrassing and uncomfortable Elders' Quorum taught by a sibling of mine (that's a story for another day) comes and passes. No Joseph. I catch a glimpse of him around the corner of the hallway. But I don't approach him. I'm assigned to a special home teaching class this one particular Sunday. Therefore, no Joseph in Sunday School. He ends up on the other side of the chapel during Sacrament meeting. I'm really quite irritated, uncharacteristically so, throughout the meeting. I let a bit of it display in my body language as I sit alone in one of the center pews. I stall for a moment or two after the meeting is through, and then finally go home when my frustration gets the better of me.
This is very unusual behavior for me. His failure to text me shouldn't come as a surprise to me. He doesn't seem to have much of an affinity for texting, as the sparce conversations we had when he was out of town for school would show.
Perhaps this is what a woman feels like, experiencing all the joys of the menstrual cycle. :-)
He showed up at our ward family home evening this time a week ago (the following day). I gave him distance. I'm glad I didn't get up and leave in irrational frustration the instant I saw him leave, though I was tempted to. Apparently he went to grab a Frisbee to play a few rounds of Ultimate, which is a favorite of mine. I treated him autonomously, just as I did all the other players, until the darkness stopped us. I definitely saw my prayers answered as a number of members expressed generally the desire to get together to do various things throughout the week. Joseph was one of them, wanting to organize a group to play Ultimate Frisbee that Thursday.
He approached me just after I said a general goodbye to everyone.
"Hey Aaron--I feel like it's been a while since we've talked."
Yep. He vaguely mentioned he had been busy.
"Are you coming to play Frisbee on Thursday?"
Do you really think by now I would say "no" even to playing a game of dolls with him?
Thursday was a blast. I caught a handful of important scoring throws. I teased him for nearly making me blush, given some of the praise he gave me for my work. Before the arranged carpool the next night to a local Institute activity, I texted him to see if he was planning on going. Turns out he wasn't--"I have some personal matters to attend to", he said. I could only speculate as to his meaning, but I renewed my invitation that he was more than welcome to come to me if he needed to get anything off of his chest.
This past Sunday: it's quite clear that he hasn't quite adjusted to our new schedule, as he is always late/absent for Elders' Quorum. Sunday School passes.
And then there was that moment before Sacrament meeting.
The halls were thronged. It was the missionary farewell of a member who also happened to be a recent convert, baptized in our humble young single adult ward. I was quite distracted between that and my waiting for the other ward to vacate the chapel to allow me to attend to my calling. Joseph approached me, in spite of the crowd. We chatted for a moment as I explained the circumstances behind the throng of visitors, and excused myself to attend to my calling.
It was his eyes. I had this overwhelming impression that still haunts me now that there were things that he wanted to say to me that he wasn't expressing. I spent the rest of the day with this internal struggle. I even prayed, expressing to the Lord that I was both eager and yet extremely hesitant to act on the impression to text Joseph and give him a chance to speak his mind if I indeed wasn't imagining things, unsure of whether this was a spiritual prompting or the product of my own frenzied mind.
As I reflected afterward, two impressions came to mind. One was to give him the opportunity to contact me himself, and if nothing else, I could voice my impression to him the following night at family home evening. The next impression was this: "Joseph does not need your distance."
Whoa. Talk about cryptic.
What could make this more interesting? Guess who was nowhere to be seen last night?
So I'm left feeling half-baked. Am I imagining things? Or is this the gift of discernment that I am absolutely certain that I have? There are certainly a number of dynamics in our relationship that I'm not even privy to, or so my gut instinct goes. Assuming that was a spiritual impression I had at Church; what is it that Joseph is leaving unspoken? Something more private than the personal challenges he has already confided in me? Is he uncomfortable with the newfound understanding that I experience same-sex attraction? Does he suspect that I am much more attracted and drawn to him than I let on? Does he see that as a threat to our friendship? These are the things that I suspect the most. But then again, what if it's something else entirely? What if he is much more intimately aware of my sort of human experience than he leads those around him to believe? What if there is indeed a reason why I have felt my gaydar triggered numerous times by him?
Crazed passion and unanswered questions seem to be the breeding ground for insanity. o_O
My Contrasted Views On the LGBT Narrative
I've mentioned before that I frequently have hypothetical conversations with myself. These are often triggered by seeing certain things or encountering particular ideas. One recurs whenever I see the yellow equal sign that is a bumper sticker on the car of many individuals who are sympathetic to the agenda of the LGBT community's media/political outlets.
This talk I commonly revisit is predominately a conversation of me explaining why I would not sport such a bumper sticker on my own car.
From a political and moral standpoint, you could consider me a very conservative person. My conviction is that there are moral absolutes that man has no ability nor authority to change. The larger narrative of the LGBT community negates that stance.
I am personally against the concept and practice of same-sex marriage. Not only do I feel that every person has the right to be raised by both a mother and father that love them, but I feel that both marriage and sex are unnecessary and, additionally, inhibiting to the proper expression of love between two members of the same gender. One can only do so much to control the romantic feelings personally experienced, but when it comes to practices that God has specifically forbidden (particularly in this case, those of same-sex marriage and sexual behaviors between two individuals of the same gender), they are barred by divine law for a reason, one I might delve into at a later time. But as a result of these views I have, I also am unsympathetic of the political movements I hear of occasionally for things such as the normalization of pedophilia, public nudity, and sexually explicit actions in both public media and performed in public places. I also recognize that these are items on the agenda of the few, not the many, but I can in no way espouse an organization whose value system is essentially a celebration of the lack thereof.
I may be unsympathetic to the cause of some larger organizations, but I can be very empathetic to individuals and individual circumstances. Remember who the guy is writing this. There is a very real part of me that finds the two very things I just classified to be forbidden as very appealing. But I know they do not form part of the plan God has in store for me. Though this is a very controversial remark to make, I don't believe that same-sex marriage nor homosexual behaviors are part of the plan God has for any of us. Please note that here, I write the things of my heart, not with the intent to win brownie points with anyone. Well, not with anyone mortal, at least. :-)
However, please don't misunderstand me. You could be a guy, married to another guy, and you might think by now that my first response to discovering that about you would be rife with words like "hell", "damnation", "brimstone", and "neon cats". But really, my immediate reaction to you would be much more like this:
"Oh, okay. I can respect that."
Because really, if you tweaked just a few of the circumstances of my life in the past decade, I could very well be you right now.
This talk I commonly revisit is predominately a conversation of me explaining why I would not sport such a bumper sticker on my own car.
From a political and moral standpoint, you could consider me a very conservative person. My conviction is that there are moral absolutes that man has no ability nor authority to change. The larger narrative of the LGBT community negates that stance.
I am personally against the concept and practice of same-sex marriage. Not only do I feel that every person has the right to be raised by both a mother and father that love them, but I feel that both marriage and sex are unnecessary and, additionally, inhibiting to the proper expression of love between two members of the same gender. One can only do so much to control the romantic feelings personally experienced, but when it comes to practices that God has specifically forbidden (particularly in this case, those of same-sex marriage and sexual behaviors between two individuals of the same gender), they are barred by divine law for a reason, one I might delve into at a later time. But as a result of these views I have, I also am unsympathetic of the political movements I hear of occasionally for things such as the normalization of pedophilia, public nudity, and sexually explicit actions in both public media and performed in public places. I also recognize that these are items on the agenda of the few, not the many, but I can in no way espouse an organization whose value system is essentially a celebration of the lack thereof.
I may be unsympathetic to the cause of some larger organizations, but I can be very empathetic to individuals and individual circumstances. Remember who the guy is writing this. There is a very real part of me that finds the two very things I just classified to be forbidden as very appealing. But I know they do not form part of the plan God has in store for me. Though this is a very controversial remark to make, I don't believe that same-sex marriage nor homosexual behaviors are part of the plan God has for any of us. Please note that here, I write the things of my heart, not with the intent to win brownie points with anyone. Well, not with anyone mortal, at least. :-)
However, please don't misunderstand me. You could be a guy, married to another guy, and you might think by now that my first response to discovering that about you would be rife with words like "hell", "damnation", "brimstone", and "neon cats". But really, my immediate reaction to you would be much more like this:
"Oh, okay. I can respect that."
Because really, if you tweaked just a few of the circumstances of my life in the past decade, I could very well be you right now.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Why Am I Celibate? Why I Am Celibate...
This is a topic that is dear to my heart. English is a funny and a strange language. By simply switching two words in a sentence, you can radically change the meaning and implications it creates.
I was talking with a friend of mine on Thursday who's going through a few things. Something he mentioned was how he started meeting up with guys he was connecting with through Grindr, a gay dating site.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm..."
So on Friday, I created a profile on Grindr.
"Whoa whoa whoa, wait a second--you did what?" you might be saying. Let me explain:
I have a powerful belief that you can make a positive and very beneficial use out of almost anything, even things that are typically used for baser, unholy purposes. Really, it all boils down to what you are seeking, and what you are doing to go about seeking it.
Take, for instance, the friend I met with on Thursday. Him and I met as he responded to a post I made on Craigslist. Considering how I have not quite made the connections I had hoped for with even the best of people that I have interacted with on Craigslist, he made all of my efforts worthwhile. Understand, now, that in the two times we have met up, we would greet each other with a hug, talk about life for an hour or so, and then part with another hug. He's a great guy, even though he would vehemently deny that in light of his struggles. I can concede that he asked me a few questions ("interesting" is again the word I choose to use here, describing those questions) in our first visit that I had to navigate carefully. But he did warn me he was "horny" at the time. I am grateful he exercised as much self-control as he did.
So with this experience in mind, I thought I would test Grindr's virtue (which, by the way, is a sentence that feels really weird coming out of my mouth--er, fingers). Note that my experiences are my own, and I don't in any way desire to come across as espousing nor criticizing Craigslist, Grindr, or any similar resources. But I do mean to say that there are many things that can be acknowledged as such--resources--as they are used with prudence, care, and discipline.
Moving onward:
I think in the past few days, I have been rewarded for my belief that there are inherently good people out there. I have interacted with a few that are genuinely good people, both those who are celibate and those who are not, yet respect my decision to be so. Given, I have bumped into a few that weren't too fond of my choice of lifestyle, two of which sent me inappropriate pictures of themselves unexpectedly and without invitation, after which I promptly blocked them, and took measures to prevent further altercations of that nature. Although it's not too easy to have that shoved in my face, I knew there was the possibility of that happening. I'm already in a constantly libidinous state (behold my word of the year)--I don't really need anything to exacerbate that. Hopefully that doesn't happen again.
But I had an interesting conversation yesterday. I have a tendency to have these hypothetical conversations with myself, evaluating how I would respond in various situations. One of my favorites is the skeptic, questioning my faith and my consequent lifestyle. That is a conversation I have revisited a number of times.
This particular chat got interesting when this guy, who apparently lives close by, asked, "Why are you looking for "platonic" relationships with openly gay men?"
I thought that was a great question. There is a part of me that wants to believe that there are gay men out there that are genuinely good people (I am, aren't I?), that can put aside any ravenous romantic and/or sexual appetites they might have, even if it's only until the moment I am not in sight. That's not asking for too much, is it? No kissing, no excessive body contact, nor anything beyond that? I will wait until I have found Mrs. Lakely for all of those things (which is a conversation for another post). I'm not asking for someone to chip off a part of their soul that they will probably not get back. I would be very content to be friends where we would be willing to voraciously fight each others' battles, like the guys in the sitcoms at the plasma donation center, or in the anime I am so fond of.
Am I looking in the right place for that? I'm not 100% sure yet. But at least I'm still looking. Anyway:
I also explained to him that there is this innate part of me that knows that, in order to really and fully figure myself out, I will need to confirm and experience for myself that I can be attracted to a guy, and him possibly have mutual feelings, and be able to mantain a very positive, platonic relationship. Sex can only go so far, but no matter how much I might crave it at times, I know with complete certainty that sex that cannot have the Lord's stamp of approval will only ruin my life thoroughly.
That led/leads to my next point, that I wanted to save that part of me for when I fall in love with and marry my wife. I don't have much experience in this department, but I'm pretty sure that a fear of STDs/HIV would work pretty well at killing my (one-day) married sex life.
Did I ever say that I am probably going to talk openly about a number of generally taboo subjects?
Let me say that now: I am probably going to talk openly about a number of generally taboo subjects.
You've been warned. I can rest in peace now.
But I hope never to be inappropriate nor irreverent in the weighty things I discuss.
I digress...
It was interesting how intent he was upon challenging me. He told me that, if I continued my celibate lifestyle, I would end up in a mixed orientation marriage, sneaking around behind my wife's back for random sexual encounters with men. I refuted that. He told me that the eros wouldn't be nearly as good with a girl as with a guy. Maybe he's right. I don't really care, honestly. I told him I would simply have to see for myself. Then he asked me why I wouldn't do the same in his case or similar cases.
Somebody give this guy a prize. He's good.
I had to give him my best answer for such a well-thought-out question. I explained that, when it came to having a romantic and eventually a sexual relationship, I want to reserve that for a relationship that I knew had the potential to last for eternity, and to spoil that for a quick fix (or a series of quick fixes) would be to shortchange myself. Another point to him--he noted that I was stating these things as facts, and not as beliefs.
He's sharp.
I validated that, saying that these were things I knew to be true, as certainly as the sun is in the sky, and that I would fight like a raging lion to live in accordance with those truths I have. Though he argued that, basically, beliefs are subjective, and that there is no absolute truth, I rebutted, indulging him, that even if he was right, that didn't mean that I held conviction in something that wasn't true.
I basically ended the conversation there, but I had to thank him, as he allowed me to confirm a number of things to myself, renewing my determination to live the law of chastity. He certainly put up a very formidable intellectual fight, to which I was grateful to share my unwavering conviction and commitment.
So if you are asking why I am celibate, this is my reply.
I was talking with a friend of mine on Thursday who's going through a few things. Something he mentioned was how he started meeting up with guys he was connecting with through Grindr, a gay dating site.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm..."
So on Friday, I created a profile on Grindr.
"Whoa whoa whoa, wait a second--you did what?" you might be saying. Let me explain:
I have a powerful belief that you can make a positive and very beneficial use out of almost anything, even things that are typically used for baser, unholy purposes. Really, it all boils down to what you are seeking, and what you are doing to go about seeking it.
Take, for instance, the friend I met with on Thursday. Him and I met as he responded to a post I made on Craigslist. Considering how I have not quite made the connections I had hoped for with even the best of people that I have interacted with on Craigslist, he made all of my efforts worthwhile. Understand, now, that in the two times we have met up, we would greet each other with a hug, talk about life for an hour or so, and then part with another hug. He's a great guy, even though he would vehemently deny that in light of his struggles. I can concede that he asked me a few questions ("interesting" is again the word I choose to use here, describing those questions) in our first visit that I had to navigate carefully. But he did warn me he was "horny" at the time. I am grateful he exercised as much self-control as he did.
So with this experience in mind, I thought I would test Grindr's virtue (which, by the way, is a sentence that feels really weird coming out of my mouth--er, fingers). Note that my experiences are my own, and I don't in any way desire to come across as espousing nor criticizing Craigslist, Grindr, or any similar resources. But I do mean to say that there are many things that can be acknowledged as such--resources--as they are used with prudence, care, and discipline.
Moving onward:
I think in the past few days, I have been rewarded for my belief that there are inherently good people out there. I have interacted with a few that are genuinely good people, both those who are celibate and those who are not, yet respect my decision to be so. Given, I have bumped into a few that weren't too fond of my choice of lifestyle, two of which sent me inappropriate pictures of themselves unexpectedly and without invitation, after which I promptly blocked them, and took measures to prevent further altercations of that nature. Although it's not too easy to have that shoved in my face, I knew there was the possibility of that happening. I'm already in a constantly libidinous state (behold my word of the year)--I don't really need anything to exacerbate that. Hopefully that doesn't happen again.
But I had an interesting conversation yesterday. I have a tendency to have these hypothetical conversations with myself, evaluating how I would respond in various situations. One of my favorites is the skeptic, questioning my faith and my consequent lifestyle. That is a conversation I have revisited a number of times.
This particular chat got interesting when this guy, who apparently lives close by, asked, "Why are you looking for "platonic" relationships with openly gay men?"
I thought that was a great question. There is a part of me that wants to believe that there are gay men out there that are genuinely good people (I am, aren't I?), that can put aside any ravenous romantic and/or sexual appetites they might have, even if it's only until the moment I am not in sight. That's not asking for too much, is it? No kissing, no excessive body contact, nor anything beyond that? I will wait until I have found Mrs. Lakely for all of those things (which is a conversation for another post). I'm not asking for someone to chip off a part of their soul that they will probably not get back. I would be very content to be friends where we would be willing to voraciously fight each others' battles, like the guys in the sitcoms at the plasma donation center, or in the anime I am so fond of.
Am I looking in the right place for that? I'm not 100% sure yet. But at least I'm still looking. Anyway:
I also explained to him that there is this innate part of me that knows that, in order to really and fully figure myself out, I will need to confirm and experience for myself that I can be attracted to a guy, and him possibly have mutual feelings, and be able to mantain a very positive, platonic relationship. Sex can only go so far, but no matter how much I might crave it at times, I know with complete certainty that sex that cannot have the Lord's stamp of approval will only ruin my life thoroughly.
That led/leads to my next point, that I wanted to save that part of me for when I fall in love with and marry my wife. I don't have much experience in this department, but I'm pretty sure that a fear of STDs/HIV would work pretty well at killing my (one-day) married sex life.
Did I ever say that I am probably going to talk openly about a number of generally taboo subjects?
Let me say that now: I am probably going to talk openly about a number of generally taboo subjects.
You've been warned. I can rest in peace now.
But I hope never to be inappropriate nor irreverent in the weighty things I discuss.
I digress...
It was interesting how intent he was upon challenging me. He told me that, if I continued my celibate lifestyle, I would end up in a mixed orientation marriage, sneaking around behind my wife's back for random sexual encounters with men. I refuted that. He told me that the eros wouldn't be nearly as good with a girl as with a guy. Maybe he's right. I don't really care, honestly. I told him I would simply have to see for myself. Then he asked me why I wouldn't do the same in his case or similar cases.
Somebody give this guy a prize. He's good.
I had to give him my best answer for such a well-thought-out question. I explained that, when it came to having a romantic and eventually a sexual relationship, I want to reserve that for a relationship that I knew had the potential to last for eternity, and to spoil that for a quick fix (or a series of quick fixes) would be to shortchange myself. Another point to him--he noted that I was stating these things as facts, and not as beliefs.
He's sharp.
I validated that, saying that these were things I knew to be true, as certainly as the sun is in the sky, and that I would fight like a raging lion to live in accordance with those truths I have. Though he argued that, basically, beliefs are subjective, and that there is no absolute truth, I rebutted, indulging him, that even if he was right, that didn't mean that I held conviction in something that wasn't true.
I basically ended the conversation there, but I had to thank him, as he allowed me to confirm a number of things to myself, renewing my determination to live the law of chastity. He certainly put up a very formidable intellectual fight, to which I was grateful to share my unwavering conviction and commitment.
So if you are asking why I am celibate, this is my reply.
Joseph: How I Am Feeling Right Now
Isn't it a funny thing, how irrational the heart can be? It seems to have a mind all its own, moving independently from the rest of one's being.
This is perhaps the first time that I can recall that same-sex attraction, specifically, has been a cause for heartache. Since I had that conversation with Joseph two Sundays ago, I can't stop thinking about him. More than anything else at this very moment, I want nothing more than to be with him constantly, to get better acquainted with him and his burden.
I love him for the person that he is, more genuine and sincere than anyone else that I can think of. Perhaps for some, learning of another person's character weaknesses makes them less appealing, less attractive. Although I don't know if this is how God works, it seems to me that a more intimate awareness of someone like Joseph makes him so much more real. I can relate to his trials on a number of levels, and have so much more love, respect, and admiration for Joseph, as he obviously values vulnerability for what it truly is. His person alone draws me to him in an overwhelming way.
To be entirely honest, he is also...hmmm...perhaps "hot" is too crude a word for my vocabulary...handsome? Attractive? Gorgeous, maybe? Okay, perhaps that last one is going too far. Not that it doesn't describe him, but...anyways, you get my point. He was on a swim team in high school, and as a result, his muscle-to-overall weight ratio definitely exceeds mine and the few years I have of consistently trying to keep my lean frame in shape. His is a gentle face, with straight black hair that he keeps relatively short. But then there are his eyes. His eyes do something that stir up the soul. Though he generally comes off as very relaxed, his eyes have a sadness to them, not all too different than looking into the eyes of a puppy that didn't get the love that it desired. Those eyes, they make me want to erase the sadness in them, to make sure he never doubts his own value, to be certain he always knows how loved he is, whether by God or just by me.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't sexually attracted to him. There has been a few times, when he has sat near me during Church meetings, that I have felt a palpable heat and an energy emitting from him. Although I manage to keep sexual fantasies to a minimum during the daytime, there are some moments, such as when I sleep and during wet dreams, that my mind wanders to places that it normally wouldn't...
And then there's yet another confusing aspect. Call it the "gaydar", call it the "please-be-gaydar", but there is this powerful intuition that I can't shake that he's gay also. Yes, he has dated a number of girls in the time he has corresponded to our ward, but don't most same-sex attracted members of the Church? I know I have, even if I haven't been as diligent. It is not something I feel rationally, but a sixth sense that tells me that there is much more of a reason as to why I feel this resonance between our souls than appears at first glance.
Mine is a mind that likes to approach situations from a number of hypothetical possibilities. Even given the turmoil that I feel, I have made a few decisions. First of all, even if he was gay and the emotions I feel toward him were mutual (which that currently huge, irrational part of me wants so badly right now), I would not at any point allow any aspect of our relationship to become sexual. As unnecessary as that conclusion may seem at this time, I need it, because, however big or small the chances are that he could end up feeling the same way toward me, I have determined that, more than anything else, more than any lust, that I fully and truly love him, and that I wouldn't want to do anything to put his salvation in jeopardy.
Second, I have decided that I want to respect Joseph's agency as much as possible. There is a decent chance that he isn't gay at all, or at least, not totally so. It would be entirely unfair of me to expect, as my heart desires, for him to conform to my desires, be that being with me at all times (or even just more often), talking even more openly with me, or even being a "celibate boyfriend." Joseph has a life to live, and even though my heart wants that life to revolve around me, I want to respect him enough to (attempt to) release that desire.
I don't know you well as a reader. You might be staunchly behind my decisions or vehemently opposed to them. If you fall into the latter camp, I do wish to say that I respect your views and your feelings, no matter how radically different they may be. I do not expect you or anyone, for that matter, to agree with me. It would not be very difficult at all for me to find a guy to hook up with--gosh, it's such a hassle dealing with some of the ones with baser intentions whenever I post in the "strictly platonic" section of Craigslist--but I'm choosing the harder right. But boy, how much harder does it have to be to find and develop emotionally intense platonic relationships? Our society today has made it unrealistically difficult.
Anyways, this is me in a nutshell: I love Joseph with all of my heart. I want to be with him at all moments. If it wasn't for the knowledge and understanding that I possess, I don't think I would hesitate for a moment before letting my sexual appetites run loose. That is why I appreciate so greatly the wisdom I have gained. Even now, I look at my phone every few seconds, hoping to see a response from Joseph, as I texted him to follow up to see how he's been (I didn't get to talk much with him at Church last Sunday).
I am lonely. Circumstances prohibit me from pursuing the progress in my career that I so greatly desire, so I have much more spare time than I really want. In relationships, I am searching for the profound in a world full of the superficial. I can feel a foreboding loneliness in a crowd of people, yet I can stand by one person, and feel all the solitude in the world vanish away in an instant.
Where is that person?
This is perhaps the first time that I can recall that same-sex attraction, specifically, has been a cause for heartache. Since I had that conversation with Joseph two Sundays ago, I can't stop thinking about him. More than anything else at this very moment, I want nothing more than to be with him constantly, to get better acquainted with him and his burden.
I love him for the person that he is, more genuine and sincere than anyone else that I can think of. Perhaps for some, learning of another person's character weaknesses makes them less appealing, less attractive. Although I don't know if this is how God works, it seems to me that a more intimate awareness of someone like Joseph makes him so much more real. I can relate to his trials on a number of levels, and have so much more love, respect, and admiration for Joseph, as he obviously values vulnerability for what it truly is. His person alone draws me to him in an overwhelming way.
To be entirely honest, he is also...hmmm...perhaps "hot" is too crude a word for my vocabulary...handsome? Attractive? Gorgeous, maybe? Okay, perhaps that last one is going too far. Not that it doesn't describe him, but...anyways, you get my point. He was on a swim team in high school, and as a result, his muscle-to-overall weight ratio definitely exceeds mine and the few years I have of consistently trying to keep my lean frame in shape. His is a gentle face, with straight black hair that he keeps relatively short. But then there are his eyes. His eyes do something that stir up the soul. Though he generally comes off as very relaxed, his eyes have a sadness to them, not all too different than looking into the eyes of a puppy that didn't get the love that it desired. Those eyes, they make me want to erase the sadness in them, to make sure he never doubts his own value, to be certain he always knows how loved he is, whether by God or just by me.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't sexually attracted to him. There has been a few times, when he has sat near me during Church meetings, that I have felt a palpable heat and an energy emitting from him. Although I manage to keep sexual fantasies to a minimum during the daytime, there are some moments, such as when I sleep and during wet dreams, that my mind wanders to places that it normally wouldn't...
And then there's yet another confusing aspect. Call it the "gaydar", call it the "please-be-gaydar", but there is this powerful intuition that I can't shake that he's gay also. Yes, he has dated a number of girls in the time he has corresponded to our ward, but don't most same-sex attracted members of the Church? I know I have, even if I haven't been as diligent. It is not something I feel rationally, but a sixth sense that tells me that there is much more of a reason as to why I feel this resonance between our souls than appears at first glance.
Mine is a mind that likes to approach situations from a number of hypothetical possibilities. Even given the turmoil that I feel, I have made a few decisions. First of all, even if he was gay and the emotions I feel toward him were mutual (which that currently huge, irrational part of me wants so badly right now), I would not at any point allow any aspect of our relationship to become sexual. As unnecessary as that conclusion may seem at this time, I need it, because, however big or small the chances are that he could end up feeling the same way toward me, I have determined that, more than anything else, more than any lust, that I fully and truly love him, and that I wouldn't want to do anything to put his salvation in jeopardy.
Second, I have decided that I want to respect Joseph's agency as much as possible. There is a decent chance that he isn't gay at all, or at least, not totally so. It would be entirely unfair of me to expect, as my heart desires, for him to conform to my desires, be that being with me at all times (or even just more often), talking even more openly with me, or even being a "celibate boyfriend." Joseph has a life to live, and even though my heart wants that life to revolve around me, I want to respect him enough to (attempt to) release that desire.
I don't know you well as a reader. You might be staunchly behind my decisions or vehemently opposed to them. If you fall into the latter camp, I do wish to say that I respect your views and your feelings, no matter how radically different they may be. I do not expect you or anyone, for that matter, to agree with me. It would not be very difficult at all for me to find a guy to hook up with--gosh, it's such a hassle dealing with some of the ones with baser intentions whenever I post in the "strictly platonic" section of Craigslist--but I'm choosing the harder right. But boy, how much harder does it have to be to find and develop emotionally intense platonic relationships? Our society today has made it unrealistically difficult.
Anyways, this is me in a nutshell: I love Joseph with all of my heart. I want to be with him at all moments. If it wasn't for the knowledge and understanding that I possess, I don't think I would hesitate for a moment before letting my sexual appetites run loose. That is why I appreciate so greatly the wisdom I have gained. Even now, I look at my phone every few seconds, hoping to see a response from Joseph, as I texted him to follow up to see how he's been (I didn't get to talk much with him at Church last Sunday).
I am lonely. Circumstances prohibit me from pursuing the progress in my career that I so greatly desire, so I have much more spare time than I really want. In relationships, I am searching for the profound in a world full of the superficial. I can feel a foreboding loneliness in a crowd of people, yet I can stand by one person, and feel all the solitude in the world vanish away in an instant.
Where is that person?
Sunday, July 31, 2016
A Complicated Love: A Thousand Restraints
So, I created quite the cliffhanger with my story of having fallen in love, didn't I?
The tale itself fascinates me. I figure since it is the primary reason I decided to start a blog in the first place, I shouldn't hesitate to get out of me this incredibly taboo, somewhat horrifying, and ultimately glorious thing.
One fine Sunday afternoon, not too terribly late in the year of 2015, a new member was introduced in our Elder's Quorum meeting (from hereon out, I am going to assume you understand my references here. Feel free to ask me any questions if you aren't Molly Mormon or Peter Priesthood). He was good looking, somewhat laid back, and he mentioned he was a recently returned missionary who had shared my same mission language. He was definitely the kind to garner the attention of the ladies in our young single adult ward. Hilariously enough, I remember greeting him in our shared mission language and not being very impressed when he couldn't understand me--it had been longer for me since the mission days; I should have been the rusty one!
At one point, he was given a calling in the Sunday school, and he found himself short a teacher at the last moment. He got a hold of me and asked if I could stand in for the absentee teacher.
Me? Teaching Gospel Doctrine for the first time in my life? That was such a no-brainer--I love teaching in virtually any capacity. So I went ahead and gladly prepared and conducted the lesson that Sunday.
Now, that was such a small thing to me--I just enjoyed so thoroughly the opportunity to do it, although I didn't think a great deal of it all. I was therefore surprised to be pulled aside by none other than Joseph (a pseudonym for the guy I mentioned earlier), who did so for nothing else than to thank me for what I had done for him.
Such a simple thing. Yet so moving.
The depth of his sincerity was so touching, unlike anything I had felt in the past. He made me feel like a million bucks for doing something that I already felt privileged to do in the first place. But it was more than that. Was it that this was one of the first times that I had been verily and truly acknowledged and validated by another guy? Was it also because he happened to be very attractive as well?
Perhaps, but more than anything, that depth of sincerity opened my eyes to a very kindred spirit.
Around this time last year, I recall being in the same car as him and a few others as our ward went to a combined activity with other wards (I remember hoping silently that he would sit up front. Maybe I was afraid I would get a nosebleed from sitting so close to him in the back, as is so common in the anime I am so fond of :-)). I don't quite recall how the conversation led where it had, but he opened up about quite a serious medical condition he had had at one point, one that you wouldn't think he would have had, especially for his above-par physical condition.
That was also quite unusual/interesting. The curse of the men of my generation isn't so much being too "macho" to be open and vulnerable about things, but often being too superficial to talk about anything that had much weight or consequences. Just witnessing him willingly volunteer this about himself made my heart open up to him that much more.
You see, in a lot of ways I could be considered demisexual in addition to being homosexual, as while I can definitely find men I've never known attractive, it seems that that attraction very quickly evolves into something much, much greater once I have also grown to love them in so many ways because of who they are.
As I came to the point that I began to acknowledge same-sex attraction for what it really was, I received a strong spiritual impression that, between the physical, emotional, and even sexual attraction that I felt towards him, the Lord was giving me a few prime indicators that I needed to strike up a friendship with him.
Now, don't mistake my choice of words. Even given what I felt, my heart of hearts saw friendship as not only plausible, but appropriate as well. Part of me definitely craved more (this is a twenty-something-year-old man with what can be a voracious sexual appetite writing here), but in the council between reason, spirituality, and same-sex attraction that took place in my mind/heart, all agreed that pursuing a platonic relationship would be for the best of the whole. 2015 was a year that I felt much more deeply the need to develop stronger relationships that extended outside of my family, so this was a test to see how far I would go to step outside my bubble of introversion.
I still remember that Sunday. Joseph asked me if I could pass the role for that particular Sunday school class for him. He told me how great he thought I was for doing that for him. What I particularly remember was feeling like I was asking for a date when I approached him--no, this was much more daunting even than asking a girl on a date. But I simply said that I was trying to improve and be more sociable, and asked if he would be willing to do something with me sometime. He mentioned that he often hung out with a guy in the ward that I knew from high school, and that he would definitely invite me along the next time they planned to do so.
For a while, we hung out on a weekly basis, with the common denominator of Joseph, this mutual friend (I'll just call him Solomon here) and myself. Sometimes it would just be the three of us and maybe one or two other guys, but Solomon also had a habit of inviting numerous other individuals. It was not very easy at all to get to know Joseph any better at all on these weekly occasions. To reveal a bit about myself, as someone who is naturally introverted, I learned from all of this that I wasn't too fond of large get-togethers--often Solomon would invite a number of people from the ward, including a handful of sisters. These were nice enough, being girls that I knew from high school, but I noticed with the group we had, often there would be talk amongst smaller groups, focusing on things. I might say that with a bit of derision, but truly, I would much rather talk about each other, how we were doing in life, what our troubles and concerns were, as opposed to superficial things.
Most particularly where Joseph was concerned.
I really wanted something more intimate than these large gatherings had to offer. But I didn't know how to go about what I sought.
After what seemed only to be a few weeks, Joseph mentioned that he only had a few weeks left before he would be leaving to attend school. That time vanished quite quickly--I remember the last gathering we had before he would be leaving. This was a late evening last December (2015), where a number of folks from our single adult ward communed in a McDonald's not far away. Although I am the last person to espouse McDonald's, I was just glad to be there. When we approached the end of that evening, everyone took turns recalling our favorite memories with Joseph, whereupon we got up and said our farewells. After I had stepped outside, and when he approached me, he choked up a bit when saying goodbye to me.
Why did he choke up then? He didn't respond that way when saying goodbye to anyone else. But there was something in that hug, something he seemed to be expressing, even if without words. I don't know what it was, but nevertheless, it was very touching. Yet again he made me feel like a million bucks, even though I felt I still didn't know him nearly as well as I would have liked.
And then he left. At once, I missed him greatly, and lamented that I hadn't gotten to know him nearly as well as I had hoped to, while also feeling very grateful that I had acted on the spiritual impression I received as I did. The time that I had spent with the others that often commiserated with that group very quickly diminished to nothing, as Solomon became distracted with the girl he would later be engaged to, and with that lack of a ringleader, I didn't make much effort to connect with the rest. It didn't appear that there was much potential to connect in truly meaningful ways with the others.
I felt a consistent impression to pray on Joseph's behalf in the following weeks and months. It was the most I could do, considering that he wasn't very easy to get a hold of. I did manage to get in touch with him on one occasion, just for long enough to realize that my prayers were warranted, even if I didn't know why. I eventually became reconciled to the fact that life had caused him to move on and away, so I did my best to follow suit.
Then suddenly, I bump into him in the hallway before Church on Easter Sunday of this year.
Come to think of it, I forgot to mention that he mentioned his intention to visit when he was on break from school. It was a pleasant surprise, on all accounts.
Preceding Elders' Quorum that day, he made a point of sitting by me, as he frequently did before. The little things like that that he does mean a great deal to me. I asked him nonchalantly about his plans while he was in town for the week. He invited me to come over to one of the girls' houses for a movie later that week. It was nice, but no different than the past gatherings. He was going to be leaving the following day, and, after some consideration, I asked him (via text) if he would like to go on a trip to the Temple before he needed to leave, just him and I. Unfortunately, I didn't hear back from him until after he was on his way. But he did say among other things, in his own words, "You're a good guy, Aaron. Thanks; hope to see you soon!"
In my attempts at making friends, I came to understand through a potential friend that I was trying to spend some time with, just so happening to be an attendee of the same school, that the end of that trimester at school was approaching, which ended just a week and a half ago. Although I wasn't able to set something up with this new friend, I was able to put two and two together. Sure enough, I saw Joseph walk in last Sunday during our first meeting, which is now Elders' Quorum. It felt great to see him and chat with him a bit. He made a point to sit by me during Sacrament meeting (which, again, I love it when he does that). But I noticed that he seemed, I don't know, a bit put out. I wondered if I was reading too far into his body language, but some of the topics discussed seemed to make him visibly uncomfortable. Later in the afternoon this last Sunday, despite my initial feelings that I should give him some distance and let him reach out to me for once, I texted him to feel out what may have been bothering him. Now, I was very much against this, and had an internal battle with one side fighting that I was imagining things, or perhaps even fabricating them because that was what I wanted to believe.
But then there was the fact that he chose not to take the Sacrament.
Was it just me, or did he intentionally choose to be close enough to me that I would take notice?
Through our text conversation, and with an olive branch that I tactfully extended, he and I ended up going for a walk at the park, when I invited him to talk about what was bothering him.
Joseph then proceeded to open up. As this is a place for me to share anonymously my thoughts, feelings, and experiences, I will keep confidential certain details that he shared with me. That said, there became even more reason for me to be empathetic toward him, as I have been through and still now feel the effect of some of those same things he is now facing. He shared how hurt and frustrated he had felt toward his parents, who did a great job this last Christmas at making him feel as though he didn't exist, and how that was somewhat of a catalyst for him, leading him to struggle with some things he had dealt with in the past. We talked about a number of things for a healthy hour. Being more intimately aware of some of his circumstances, as well as the fact that he had the next trimester of school off, has had its consequences, but as this post has become lengthy enough, I will settle to share more of my feelings in my following post.
The tale itself fascinates me. I figure since it is the primary reason I decided to start a blog in the first place, I shouldn't hesitate to get out of me this incredibly taboo, somewhat horrifying, and ultimately glorious thing.
One fine Sunday afternoon, not too terribly late in the year of 2015, a new member was introduced in our Elder's Quorum meeting (from hereon out, I am going to assume you understand my references here. Feel free to ask me any questions if you aren't Molly Mormon or Peter Priesthood). He was good looking, somewhat laid back, and he mentioned he was a recently returned missionary who had shared my same mission language. He was definitely the kind to garner the attention of the ladies in our young single adult ward. Hilariously enough, I remember greeting him in our shared mission language and not being very impressed when he couldn't understand me--it had been longer for me since the mission days; I should have been the rusty one!
At one point, he was given a calling in the Sunday school, and he found himself short a teacher at the last moment. He got a hold of me and asked if I could stand in for the absentee teacher.
Me? Teaching Gospel Doctrine for the first time in my life? That was such a no-brainer--I love teaching in virtually any capacity. So I went ahead and gladly prepared and conducted the lesson that Sunday.
Now, that was such a small thing to me--I just enjoyed so thoroughly the opportunity to do it, although I didn't think a great deal of it all. I was therefore surprised to be pulled aside by none other than Joseph (a pseudonym for the guy I mentioned earlier), who did so for nothing else than to thank me for what I had done for him.
Such a simple thing. Yet so moving.
The depth of his sincerity was so touching, unlike anything I had felt in the past. He made me feel like a million bucks for doing something that I already felt privileged to do in the first place. But it was more than that. Was it that this was one of the first times that I had been verily and truly acknowledged and validated by another guy? Was it also because he happened to be very attractive as well?
Perhaps, but more than anything, that depth of sincerity opened my eyes to a very kindred spirit.
Around this time last year, I recall being in the same car as him and a few others as our ward went to a combined activity with other wards (I remember hoping silently that he would sit up front. Maybe I was afraid I would get a nosebleed from sitting so close to him in the back, as is so common in the anime I am so fond of :-)). I don't quite recall how the conversation led where it had, but he opened up about quite a serious medical condition he had had at one point, one that you wouldn't think he would have had, especially for his above-par physical condition.
That was also quite unusual/interesting. The curse of the men of my generation isn't so much being too "macho" to be open and vulnerable about things, but often being too superficial to talk about anything that had much weight or consequences. Just witnessing him willingly volunteer this about himself made my heart open up to him that much more.
You see, in a lot of ways I could be considered demisexual in addition to being homosexual, as while I can definitely find men I've never known attractive, it seems that that attraction very quickly evolves into something much, much greater once I have also grown to love them in so many ways because of who they are.
As I came to the point that I began to acknowledge same-sex attraction for what it really was, I received a strong spiritual impression that, between the physical, emotional, and even sexual attraction that I felt towards him, the Lord was giving me a few prime indicators that I needed to strike up a friendship with him.
Now, don't mistake my choice of words. Even given what I felt, my heart of hearts saw friendship as not only plausible, but appropriate as well. Part of me definitely craved more (this is a twenty-something-year-old man with what can be a voracious sexual appetite writing here), but in the council between reason, spirituality, and same-sex attraction that took place in my mind/heart, all agreed that pursuing a platonic relationship would be for the best of the whole. 2015 was a year that I felt much more deeply the need to develop stronger relationships that extended outside of my family, so this was a test to see how far I would go to step outside my bubble of introversion.
I still remember that Sunday. Joseph asked me if I could pass the role for that particular Sunday school class for him. He told me how great he thought I was for doing that for him. What I particularly remember was feeling like I was asking for a date when I approached him--no, this was much more daunting even than asking a girl on a date. But I simply said that I was trying to improve and be more sociable, and asked if he would be willing to do something with me sometime. He mentioned that he often hung out with a guy in the ward that I knew from high school, and that he would definitely invite me along the next time they planned to do so.
For a while, we hung out on a weekly basis, with the common denominator of Joseph, this mutual friend (I'll just call him Solomon here) and myself. Sometimes it would just be the three of us and maybe one or two other guys, but Solomon also had a habit of inviting numerous other individuals. It was not very easy at all to get to know Joseph any better at all on these weekly occasions. To reveal a bit about myself, as someone who is naturally introverted, I learned from all of this that I wasn't too fond of large get-togethers--often Solomon would invite a number of people from the ward, including a handful of sisters. These were nice enough, being girls that I knew from high school, but I noticed with the group we had, often there would be talk amongst smaller groups, focusing on things. I might say that with a bit of derision, but truly, I would much rather talk about each other, how we were doing in life, what our troubles and concerns were, as opposed to superficial things.
Most particularly where Joseph was concerned.
I really wanted something more intimate than these large gatherings had to offer. But I didn't know how to go about what I sought.
After what seemed only to be a few weeks, Joseph mentioned that he only had a few weeks left before he would be leaving to attend school. That time vanished quite quickly--I remember the last gathering we had before he would be leaving. This was a late evening last December (2015), where a number of folks from our single adult ward communed in a McDonald's not far away. Although I am the last person to espouse McDonald's, I was just glad to be there. When we approached the end of that evening, everyone took turns recalling our favorite memories with Joseph, whereupon we got up and said our farewells. After I had stepped outside, and when he approached me, he choked up a bit when saying goodbye to me.
Why did he choke up then? He didn't respond that way when saying goodbye to anyone else. But there was something in that hug, something he seemed to be expressing, even if without words. I don't know what it was, but nevertheless, it was very touching. Yet again he made me feel like a million bucks, even though I felt I still didn't know him nearly as well as I would have liked.
And then he left. At once, I missed him greatly, and lamented that I hadn't gotten to know him nearly as well as I had hoped to, while also feeling very grateful that I had acted on the spiritual impression I received as I did. The time that I had spent with the others that often commiserated with that group very quickly diminished to nothing, as Solomon became distracted with the girl he would later be engaged to, and with that lack of a ringleader, I didn't make much effort to connect with the rest. It didn't appear that there was much potential to connect in truly meaningful ways with the others.
I felt a consistent impression to pray on Joseph's behalf in the following weeks and months. It was the most I could do, considering that he wasn't very easy to get a hold of. I did manage to get in touch with him on one occasion, just for long enough to realize that my prayers were warranted, even if I didn't know why. I eventually became reconciled to the fact that life had caused him to move on and away, so I did my best to follow suit.
Then suddenly, I bump into him in the hallway before Church on Easter Sunday of this year.
Come to think of it, I forgot to mention that he mentioned his intention to visit when he was on break from school. It was a pleasant surprise, on all accounts.
Preceding Elders' Quorum that day, he made a point of sitting by me, as he frequently did before. The little things like that that he does mean a great deal to me. I asked him nonchalantly about his plans while he was in town for the week. He invited me to come over to one of the girls' houses for a movie later that week. It was nice, but no different than the past gatherings. He was going to be leaving the following day, and, after some consideration, I asked him (via text) if he would like to go on a trip to the Temple before he needed to leave, just him and I. Unfortunately, I didn't hear back from him until after he was on his way. But he did say among other things, in his own words, "You're a good guy, Aaron. Thanks; hope to see you soon!"
In my attempts at making friends, I came to understand through a potential friend that I was trying to spend some time with, just so happening to be an attendee of the same school, that the end of that trimester at school was approaching, which ended just a week and a half ago. Although I wasn't able to set something up with this new friend, I was able to put two and two together. Sure enough, I saw Joseph walk in last Sunday during our first meeting, which is now Elders' Quorum. It felt great to see him and chat with him a bit. He made a point to sit by me during Sacrament meeting (which, again, I love it when he does that). But I noticed that he seemed, I don't know, a bit put out. I wondered if I was reading too far into his body language, but some of the topics discussed seemed to make him visibly uncomfortable. Later in the afternoon this last Sunday, despite my initial feelings that I should give him some distance and let him reach out to me for once, I texted him to feel out what may have been bothering him. Now, I was very much against this, and had an internal battle with one side fighting that I was imagining things, or perhaps even fabricating them because that was what I wanted to believe.
But then there was the fact that he chose not to take the Sacrament.
Was it just me, or did he intentionally choose to be close enough to me that I would take notice?
Through our text conversation, and with an olive branch that I tactfully extended, he and I ended up going for a walk at the park, when I invited him to talk about what was bothering him.
Joseph then proceeded to open up. As this is a place for me to share anonymously my thoughts, feelings, and experiences, I will keep confidential certain details that he shared with me. That said, there became even more reason for me to be empathetic toward him, as I have been through and still now feel the effect of some of those same things he is now facing. He shared how hurt and frustrated he had felt toward his parents, who did a great job this last Christmas at making him feel as though he didn't exist, and how that was somewhat of a catalyst for him, leading him to struggle with some things he had dealt with in the past. We talked about a number of things for a healthy hour. Being more intimately aware of some of his circumstances, as well as the fact that he had the next trimester of school off, has had its consequences, but as this post has become lengthy enough, I will settle to share more of my feelings in my following post.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
My Life: Like a Rose (Beautiful Yet Prickly)
I have felt a need to do this for some time now. I may be young, but I feel that I have much to share here.
My name is Aaron Lakely. Or rather, that is the pseudonym that I go by here. I consider myself a servant of the Lord, first and foremost, and would feel greatly satisfied to know that He would also consider me as such. I am a holder of the office of an Elder in the Priesthood, or the authority of God delegated to man to act in His name, a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
And I have an interesting story to tell.
Of late, I seem to have had a peculiar number of trials of faith. Physical trials that have made it difficult to pursue the career that I have literally been told by God Himself to initiate. A falling out from within my family by one who chose to make an issue of my career path.
And the one that has me writing this now.
I want to ask you a question--have you ever fallen in love?
Forgive me for the assumption, but for our purposes here, let's say your answer was yes. How did that make you feel? Did you feel this subtle warmth throughout your body, or better yet, within your soul? Do you feel like there are hands gently pressing around your heart, causing your breathing to change? Do you feel this almost electric sensation when you are around this other person, with a deep and abiding longing to be with them at all times? Do you wonder, if indeed within the context of similar religious beliefs as mine, whether or not you had some sort of connection to this person before the world was, something profound enough to warrant this sensation that rises from the very depths of your soul, of your existence?
Whatever your responses were to these questions, mine were "yes", every time.
I am very new to this in a number of ways. I am young, in my twenties. It was not long ago at all that I was serving as a full-time missionary, speaking the Celestial language (which is not English, by the way). I am single, and very much a prospective husband and father. I have been on a few dates with a few girls since I have been home. All of these have been pleasant, but none of them were responsible for giving birth to this undeniable love I have felt from the deepest recesses of my being.
You might be thinking, "That's great! That's fantastic! When do you plan to propose? Have you thought of the honeymoon?" Ad infinitum.
Well, it's a bit more complicated than that. I am most certainly stricken, but...
He is one of my dearest friends.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I am studying a language with what appears to be dozens of personal pronouns. I would not be so careless as to stumble with one of the very few English has.
You see, I experience same-sex attraction. It has been quite a ride, coming to terms with one of the most controversial of human experiences, especially of our day, one that instigates horrible name-calling, anger, hatred, and the collective bigotry of all the extreme conservatives our society has to offer.
And you know what? I am grateful for it.
You hear of many, seemingly cornered between the formidable Church ("formidable" being a fitting word for the church that truly belongs to Christ Himself) and apparently irreconcilable sexual desires and appetites. How many scores of people, how many thousands have thought that there was no solution between the two, or between homosexuality and religion in general, only to either reject and/or dig up their Providential moorings, or to take their own lives in order to seek reprieve?
My feelings are quite different, however.
I have every intention to dive into the various aspects of my background, of what I would dub "this many-splendored thing called life" in subsequent entries. May it suffice me to say, at least for this very moment, that I have come to acknowledge same-sex attraction as a God-given gift.
Now, you are probably trying to conjure up an image of me growing a third head, for the total oddness of what I just stated. Perhaps you are one who even experiences same-sex attraction for yourself; perhaps that was all but blasphemous to you, to consider a blessing the very thing that, in your case, may have been the cause of grievances untold, unnumbered.
We live in a society where good is derided as evil, and evil is praised as good. Solutions to the everlasting were never destined to come from those whose shutters they so determinedly glue shut before their very eyes, denouncing the light that waits on the other side.
I say, what a tremendous opportunity it is to shed light on those who are in darkness!
I am very strongly of the sentiment that same-sex attraction is so terribly misconstrued, misunderstood, misrepresented by the loud voices of the world. They tell us in so many words that such is an indicator that our ultimate destination is express the procreative powers of divine origin so imminent within each of us with the man of our choosing (or at least, that is the case as it would be for me).
In my view, that is a textbook example of the word "misunderstanding".
I do not know from what religious background you may come from, if stemming from one at all. But I'll have you know that there are few things of greater value than to have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, the Spirit of God. An ancient American prophet once said, "And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things." It has been by this power, in the course of my studying and pondering this subject, that I have been blessed with a great deal of enlightenment that far transcends my tender years and what little experience I have, as potent as that experience may be.
You see, I view same-sex attraction as a catalyst to developing deeper, more meaningful relationships in life. I have been denied, rejected, and betrayed so many times by the men in my life. In the rare event that I should have an experience that defies the traitorous track record that has faced me, finding a man or men that would not only be worthy of my trust but also reciprocate with their own, I would most certainly cherish that more than one who had not had a soul riddled with such deep wounds.
There is a term I came past once that I felt explained my desire at once: "emotionally intense platonic relationships." The kind of thing you would see back in the day, of men who would move heaven and earth to protect the bond of kinship between them, the ties that ran thicker and deeper than blood, the love that "exceeds the love of women".
Certainly there have been many such cases, and some in the not-so-distant past. I'm sure you can think of an example or two.
Were these men that were afraid of what big society would say?
Were these men whose relationship would take a sexual form behind closed doors?
Were these men gay as a result of loving each other more than life itself?
I can't speak of the instances you brought to mind, but in my mind, the answer to each of these questions was a resounding "no!".
And what of this? Has God ever at any time condemned mankind for charity and eternal bonds existing between men? Has He ever insinuated that He had anything less than such a divine, exalted relationship between Himself and the other men that have proven themselves worthy of entering into His presence?
As far as I know, all God asks of us is to reserve the divine power meant for creating human life to be used under His command. Considering that this, the most powerful of all things bestowed upon mortal humankind without mixture, has only such a simple commandment--"Use it as I say"--, I don't believe God is asking for too much at all. Perhaps what He would say to us is that men who are attracted to other men simply have much more of a need of such life-changing platonic bonds than your traditional homosapien.
However, I would be a fool to say that adhering to God's laws surrounding procreation is as simple or as easy as it is for those who are opposite-gender attracted. Sure, all such a man would have to do is fall in love with a girl and marry her to have God-sanctioned intimacy as a constantly available feature of life. However, for the same-gender attracted folk (or men, as the case is here), the questions are eventually raised: "When will I fall in love with a girl? How? Will I get a single date in with her once she finally comes up from Brazil, before she is engaged and married to another man? Will intimacy be awkward?"
And my favorite, "What happens when/if I fall in love with another man?"
Hence my point: I may say that same-sex attraction is blessing and a gift as I perceive it, but that certainly doesn't mean it makes my life any easier. "面白い" is the word that would come to mind, as the Japanese would say.
Welcome to this crazy thing I call life!
My name is Aaron Lakely. Or rather, that is the pseudonym that I go by here. I consider myself a servant of the Lord, first and foremost, and would feel greatly satisfied to know that He would also consider me as such. I am a holder of the office of an Elder in the Priesthood, or the authority of God delegated to man to act in His name, a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
And I have an interesting story to tell.
Of late, I seem to have had a peculiar number of trials of faith. Physical trials that have made it difficult to pursue the career that I have literally been told by God Himself to initiate. A falling out from within my family by one who chose to make an issue of my career path.
And the one that has me writing this now.
I want to ask you a question--have you ever fallen in love?
Forgive me for the assumption, but for our purposes here, let's say your answer was yes. How did that make you feel? Did you feel this subtle warmth throughout your body, or better yet, within your soul? Do you feel like there are hands gently pressing around your heart, causing your breathing to change? Do you feel this almost electric sensation when you are around this other person, with a deep and abiding longing to be with them at all times? Do you wonder, if indeed within the context of similar religious beliefs as mine, whether or not you had some sort of connection to this person before the world was, something profound enough to warrant this sensation that rises from the very depths of your soul, of your existence?
Whatever your responses were to these questions, mine were "yes", every time.
I am very new to this in a number of ways. I am young, in my twenties. It was not long ago at all that I was serving as a full-time missionary, speaking the Celestial language (which is not English, by the way). I am single, and very much a prospective husband and father. I have been on a few dates with a few girls since I have been home. All of these have been pleasant, but none of them were responsible for giving birth to this undeniable love I have felt from the deepest recesses of my being.
You might be thinking, "That's great! That's fantastic! When do you plan to propose? Have you thought of the honeymoon?" Ad infinitum.
Well, it's a bit more complicated than that. I am most certainly stricken, but...
He is one of my dearest friends.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I am studying a language with what appears to be dozens of personal pronouns. I would not be so careless as to stumble with one of the very few English has.
You see, I experience same-sex attraction. It has been quite a ride, coming to terms with one of the most controversial of human experiences, especially of our day, one that instigates horrible name-calling, anger, hatred, and the collective bigotry of all the extreme conservatives our society has to offer.
And you know what? I am grateful for it.
You hear of many, seemingly cornered between the formidable Church ("formidable" being a fitting word for the church that truly belongs to Christ Himself) and apparently irreconcilable sexual desires and appetites. How many scores of people, how many thousands have thought that there was no solution between the two, or between homosexuality and religion in general, only to either reject and/or dig up their Providential moorings, or to take their own lives in order to seek reprieve?
My feelings are quite different, however.
I have every intention to dive into the various aspects of my background, of what I would dub "this many-splendored thing called life" in subsequent entries. May it suffice me to say, at least for this very moment, that I have come to acknowledge same-sex attraction as a God-given gift.
Now, you are probably trying to conjure up an image of me growing a third head, for the total oddness of what I just stated. Perhaps you are one who even experiences same-sex attraction for yourself; perhaps that was all but blasphemous to you, to consider a blessing the very thing that, in your case, may have been the cause of grievances untold, unnumbered.
We live in a society where good is derided as evil, and evil is praised as good. Solutions to the everlasting were never destined to come from those whose shutters they so determinedly glue shut before their very eyes, denouncing the light that waits on the other side.
I say, what a tremendous opportunity it is to shed light on those who are in darkness!
I am very strongly of the sentiment that same-sex attraction is so terribly misconstrued, misunderstood, misrepresented by the loud voices of the world. They tell us in so many words that such is an indicator that our ultimate destination is express the procreative powers of divine origin so imminent within each of us with the man of our choosing (or at least, that is the case as it would be for me).
In my view, that is a textbook example of the word "misunderstanding".
I do not know from what religious background you may come from, if stemming from one at all. But I'll have you know that there are few things of greater value than to have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, the Spirit of God. An ancient American prophet once said, "And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things." It has been by this power, in the course of my studying and pondering this subject, that I have been blessed with a great deal of enlightenment that far transcends my tender years and what little experience I have, as potent as that experience may be.
You see, I view same-sex attraction as a catalyst to developing deeper, more meaningful relationships in life. I have been denied, rejected, and betrayed so many times by the men in my life. In the rare event that I should have an experience that defies the traitorous track record that has faced me, finding a man or men that would not only be worthy of my trust but also reciprocate with their own, I would most certainly cherish that more than one who had not had a soul riddled with such deep wounds.
There is a term I came past once that I felt explained my desire at once: "emotionally intense platonic relationships." The kind of thing you would see back in the day, of men who would move heaven and earth to protect the bond of kinship between them, the ties that ran thicker and deeper than blood, the love that "exceeds the love of women".
Certainly there have been many such cases, and some in the not-so-distant past. I'm sure you can think of an example or two.
Were these men that were afraid of what big society would say?
Were these men whose relationship would take a sexual form behind closed doors?
Were these men gay as a result of loving each other more than life itself?
I can't speak of the instances you brought to mind, but in my mind, the answer to each of these questions was a resounding "no!".
And what of this? Has God ever at any time condemned mankind for charity and eternal bonds existing between men? Has He ever insinuated that He had anything less than such a divine, exalted relationship between Himself and the other men that have proven themselves worthy of entering into His presence?
As far as I know, all God asks of us is to reserve the divine power meant for creating human life to be used under His command. Considering that this, the most powerful of all things bestowed upon mortal humankind without mixture, has only such a simple commandment--"Use it as I say"--, I don't believe God is asking for too much at all. Perhaps what He would say to us is that men who are attracted to other men simply have much more of a need of such life-changing platonic bonds than your traditional homosapien.
However, I would be a fool to say that adhering to God's laws surrounding procreation is as simple or as easy as it is for those who are opposite-gender attracted. Sure, all such a man would have to do is fall in love with a girl and marry her to have God-sanctioned intimacy as a constantly available feature of life. However, for the same-gender attracted folk (or men, as the case is here), the questions are eventually raised: "When will I fall in love with a girl? How? Will I get a single date in with her once she finally comes up from Brazil, before she is engaged and married to another man? Will intimacy be awkward?"
And my favorite, "What happens when/if I fall in love with another man?"
Hence my point: I may say that same-sex attraction is blessing and a gift as I perceive it, but that certainly doesn't mean it makes my life any easier. "面白い" is the word that would come to mind, as the Japanese would say.
Welcome to this crazy thing I call life!
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